Simply because I worked nearly 48 hours straight on it... No sleep... and I am really, really, REALLY thrilled with how it turned out.
♥ Click Image to view Full-Size on Deviant Art ♥Demon Doll's Garden
i really hate feeling like i have no one to confide in anymore...
and it's not just a feeling. its the truth. cold. hard. honest.
...and it sucks.
I have to admit, this is the first time I have actually been proud of something I have written
. (Though I am almost 100% positive that the person I based the "Keeper" off of got rather upset at the way I conveyed things (even though I warned them ahead of time). ~rolls eyes~ This person claims to know nothing of it but I know this to be a lie simply because they reactivated their journal when I asked them to for moral support of when the polls went up, and then next thing I know, they make a "bitch/rant/vent" post on Facebook and then their journal is deleted again. So.. yeah. Whatever.)
Since my fictional story is based nearly 80% on truth, I will add this little disclaimer. The reason the "Keeper" and the girl parted ways in Real Life had nothing to do with the girl "not being enough". Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much they are desired by either party.
The reason I used the "not enough" is because, frankly, anything else would have made the story longer and I didn't want to focus on how she got where she was. I wanted to focus on the world she was in and how everything seemed foreign to her now that she was alone. I wanted to focus on one of the individuals who took interest in her. The one that seemed the most dangerous and yet so... enticing.
So.. that is the story behind that. Moving right along, then..
I have been fiddling around with correcting some of my past photo-manipulations since my friend came down from Phoenix and gifted me with photo-editing software to use in addition to Photoshop. Nearly died and gone to heaven, I have!! ♥ ♥Here are some Crap "Before" & Awesome "After" pics.
- Larger images can be found on my FaceBook page
As for other "life-related" stuff.. I find I have been feeling more 'out of place' than ever before. It's like I barely exist. I don't see Kindergoth much as the inlaws have taken over to such an extent that I honestly feel I am no longer needed. But.. if I am going to be brutally honest with myself, I know that I make a terrible mother. I know how "not" to treat your child... but I am at a loss when it comes to how I should treat one. How to be involved.. I guess. How to play.. I never played as a kid. I am not even certain I was capable of having an imagination until I moved out when i was 15. I suppose I will be a better parent when she becomes a teenager and I can relate to her more and speak with her as I would an adult. Until then, maybe it is best that she spends most of her time with Ecamer's family. They are really good at the whole 'child-interaction' thing. I suppose that comes with the territory of having a family that actually... 'remains' a family.
Had a chat with a guy last evening that set me on edge. I have been chatting with him on and off for the past 3-4 weeks or so, but last evening he really ticked me off. I was working on a photo-manipulation and he wanted to see it. I stated (repeatedly) that I was not finished. But he insisted. So.. despite myself, I sent him a link to the original as well as my progress. Upon receiving it, he nitpicked every little thing and then proceeded to "give me ideas" and when I tried to reiterate that I was not finished, he got all defensive, told me to "shut up" and that he was only "trying to help" me. He had taken classes in art and graphic design and he wanted to help me be better.
Ok. What-the-fuck ever.
So later today, he sees my finished product on FB and (in an off-hand way because he doesn't want to admit to the fact that I didn't need his "help"), tells me he likes it. (Though he didn't "like" the image or comment on FB - not that I care as I made it for myself, not for him). And then he sends me a picture of his choice to "test my skills". Then he has me send him one. So I do, I send him a simple pic I took of a quail by a cactus. He sends me a pic he took at night of this god-awful purple chandelier. 30 minutes later, he sends back the pic I sent him, saying he is finished.
It was the worst piece of crap that I have ever seen. He rushed through it and ...fuck. I think my 8 year old would have done a better job. It looked like all he did was cut out the quail, desaturated the background (make it black/white) and then pasted the quail back in. Oh.. and he gave the quail a fish eye. >.>
.....right now, let me just say that it is really hard for me not to knock him off his ego-trip. I don't mind constructive criticism from people who actually know and can create. But all your years of art-school don't mean shit when you lack the talent to put them to use.
Anyway.. I finished his stupid chandelier pic and made it into something you would expect to see in the castle of Vlad Dracula. And now.. I am probably going to manip the quail image as well and email that to him. maybe then he will realize that my skills far out-weigh his own and he will stop giving me unsolicited (not to mention useless) advice.
Had a dream about this woman with pale skin and long black hair. She had killed three people and was coming after me.
The dream started out alright. Odd of course but then, most dreams are. I was with some guy on a roller coaster then somehow it changed and I was with someone else.. A different guy. We went into this house at night and none of the light switches would work. It was pitch black. The guy I was with just disappeared. I found a flashlight somehow and walked through the house only to discover my companion in a bathtub, his throat slit and an old razor covered in blood lay upon the floor not far from his body.
I turned and ran into another room and open the closet door only to find two more people. A girl and a toddler boy. Both strangled by barbed wire which remained around their necks. My breath caught in my throat and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I turned to go and there she stood. This woman with long black hair and a wicked smile. I dropped the flashlight, pushing her out of the way, I ran and somehow lost her.
I ended up at an old woman's house, who happened to be a witch. (I find this rather ironic.. but whatever) I begged her for use of her phone. She allowed me to... though I had to take the time to plug the cord into the phone jack. But the cord wouldn't reach. She had had stuff tangled in it. It seemed like eons had passed by the time I was able to get the cord untangled. I dialed 911. I heard rock music in the background and the woman with dark hair on the phone. She was speaking with an innocent voice trying to see if the police had called or if I had called them yet.
At this point, I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't change it. I hung up and redialed and this time the phone was asking for money. I was dumbfounded. The old woman interrupted my thoughts and asked if my little sister was standing outside her window. I turned to see the image of a young girl with light brown hair. But the sight of her filled me with fear for even as I looked at her, I knew who she really was. In front of my eyes she shifted into her true form. I dropped the phone and ran out the back door.
This time I ended up at a church and found a phone in the hall so I called 911 again. They didn't answer the phone in the normal manner. I had to ask if I dialed the right number and once I was sure I started explaining everything. As I spoke I looked to my left to see the woman at the end of the hall swinging a morning star. My last words were "Oh my God, She's here". I dropped the phone and forced myself to wake up.
- Listed Under:dreams
I gave everything.
Along with that; love, trust, honor, loyalty, and respect.
Everything that was asked for. Everything that was expected. Every single thing for a period of several years.
Yet still, it was not enough. My Keeper had made his decision. Every gift I had given, he was now returning to me.
Oddly, this moment was unlike all the rest. There was no frustration. No anger or disappointment. There were only words spoken in a calm, loving and caring voice; and they were allowing me my freedom. There were tears too, of course. Though I did my best to remain calm, one managed to slip out. After that, two more swiftly followed suit, racing in silence, down the trail of the first to my chin. I tried to numb myself because I had known, even before we began to speak, that this was to be the outcome. But it was no use. Before I even realized it, both cheeks were damp and below each eye were the somber remnants of ruined mascara.
I looked around the ruined fairgrounds in dismay. Now I knew how pets felt when their owners dropped them off in an unfamiliar area to fend for themselves because they would no longer be bothered with the responsibility. Everything I knew of this world that I was a part of became unfamiliar and alien. My Keeper was always my safety-net. My pillar of strength. He was the one thing I knew to be true when everyone around me hid behind facades and nothing was what it seemed to be.
It was frightening. Terrifying even. Illusionists lurked in the shadows setting traps to snag the unaware. Tricksters pranced around in the light, their masks concealing their true identities. Old snake-oil sales-men espousing their tonics to every new young girl that passed by. Charmers and storytellers took turns weaving lies to entrap the novitiates which whored themselves for attention. Suddenly this world which I had traveled safely though under the watchful eye of the Keeper had become overwhelming.
I crouched down in the center of the grounds, my anxiety nearly suffocating me due to the sensory overload of the masses that had come to play in this wretched place. I held my breath in an attempt to keep the tears from falling as I realized that now I had no one to turn to. Screeching voices of freaks and the deranged assaulted my ears and impregnated my mind. I brought my fists up to tightly cover them in an effort to block out the clamor to no avail. Burying my head into my knees, I tightly shut my eyes as if it would assist in protecting me from the onslaught.
A voice laced with a British accent startled me and I jerked away sharply, losing my balance and landing in the muck of a nearby puddle. Frowning I looked up to see an image dressed in a crisp red and black uniform. A top hat shaded his glittering emerald eyes as he offered a hand to assist.
I grabbed his hand, accepting his offer and he pulled me to my feet in an instant and began to walk with me. Soon, the ache in my heart had been replaced as the Ringmaster showed me around. His melodious voice soothed my troubled soul and I found myself sharing my plight with him. How I felt that I had failed my Keeper and he had returned my gifts. How I found myself lost, having no clue where to go from here. His eyes seemed to take on a dark hue as he listened, his lips curling into a cold smile that I did not quite understand.
He looked down at me then, the coldness in his smile vanished so quickly I questioned myself if it was even there in the first place. In a genteel manner, he took my hand once more and brought it to his lips, causing my cheeks to grow hot.
“You were nothing short of perfect, my dear. You entrusted your entire being to this “Keeper” of yours and in doing so, gave everything you possibly could. A treasure such as you should not be wandering these grounds alone. I would be honored to assist you in any way I can.”
His tone was hypnotic and I found myself drawn by his charms. He offered his arm and I accepted. The Ringmaster knew. The Ringmaster would help. The Ringmaster cared. The Ringmaster suggested that We, he and I, would be the perfect fit.
Soon, I found myself wanting nothing more than to offer everything up once again.
Along with that; love, trust, honor, loyalty, and respect.
These were the gifts that I had given, and as such, the gifts that were returned.
I gave all I had to give and my Keeper had decided it would never be enough.
But now I had the Ringmaster by my side. He was enticing. He was knowledgeable. He was sexy. More importantly, he was interested in Me. Certainly he would appreciate these gifts. After all, nothing was more precious to me. They were all I had to give.
The Gifts CLICK HERE FOR PART 2 by bringing_words
Writing in teams?
With someone I don't even know??
I'd feel panicked right now but all I can manage "raw".
Well, at least I feel inspired for the topic of "You Gave Everything You Possibly Could"...
Hopefully my future partner in crime (who-ever that may be) does too. :/
Sometimes I hate getting caught up with the people I care about.
Sometimes it is not a good thing.
Sometimes it makes me just want to say.. "Wow.. don't hold back. Just tell me how you REALLY feel."
But right now it just makes me want to bury any "feelings" I have at any given moment because I know that they can, and most likely will
, be used against me in the future. I would never talk shit about anyone and call them names behind their back after getting into a disagreement. Especially if I knew deep down how much they cared for me and that I was part of the reason they were hurting. But I guess that's just my personal (extremely high) standard that I make certain I live up to. Just because respect is given does not mean it will be reciprocated. I'm not mad, just disappointed. Not that it matters one way or the other.
So from now on.. buried feelings and filtered entries for those emotional
moments. Unless it ends up being an LJ Idol of course.> > > Other things < < <Hair Update
~ The last pic I took via cam was during the day and made my hair look more white then it actually is. So last evening I took another one. This is a more accurate image. (As you can see, I still look like a calico cat and have a nit of a way to go in order to get it to the ice-white shade I want.
I'm not going to cut it again. Instead I am just going to allow it to grow and trim it as needed. At first I was going to grow it enough to cut out the red but since I have been able to rid myself of most of the "dead" hair, I don't really need to. I'm taking prenatal vitamins and biotin to speed up the growing process and my hair should be back to a "comfortable" length by December.
- Listed Under:me, pics
- Music:Oh My Goth ~ Razed in Black
Yesterday, I took a chance and reached out to someone. I did this despite the constant negative feedback I received when the initial thought to do so entered my mind. I was told not to do so. I was told that doing so had the possibility of ending horribly. I was told this several times over a lengthy period of time.
But yesterday I had had enough. Yesterday I decided that, no matter what happened, I wanted the elephant in the room to gotten rid of. I did not care if I were to get crushed in the process, that elephant was going to be euthanized one way or another. If I had to go down, than so be it. I was going to take that son-of-a-bitch down with me. I am no stranger to sacrifice.
I felt oddly calm and unafraid as I prepared for this battle. I had no idea how it would end and that didn't matter. It would be over. Simple as that. That was all I cared about.It started out with a warning:
I was going to put down this elephant once and for all. The other concerned parties felt uncomfortable and uncertain about it. However, they quickly realized that I was no longer taking "No"
or "Let me fix it"
for an answer. Their choices were severely limited at this point. Frankly, it was only because I had respect for them that they had any choice in the matter at all.It was followed with a message:
The message was well thought out and versed to show I was completely sincere. The fact that I was not to blame for the elephant being there in the first place was no longer an issue. Sometimes the mistakes we make are bigger then we are. Sometimes we find ourselves overwhelmed and don't know what to do, but we really don't want to admit it. Sometimes we just need help whether we like it or not. We are not perfect. We are human. It happens to the best of us. And when it does, that is when it is time for another to step in. This elephant was no longer welcome. It had to go. End of story. I drew first blood. My aim was steady and the wound cut deep. In through one side, out through the other. My breath stayed calm as I mentally prepared myself for what was to come.Messages upon messages:
They flew between us, each one hitting their mark and slicing right through to the other side.. Communication being the weapon of choice against this massive beast. The bulk of the onslaught was fleeting and merciless. Much to the surprise of us all, the elephant was nowhere near as strong as we had anticipated. It's front legs collapsed from the first attack. The impact of our joined efforts brought the beast down in a swift manner as we grew more certain of ourselves and one another. There was a sickening sound as the mammoth animal seemed to all but crumble before our eyes. Soon, nothing remained but the residual memory how it weighed on our shoulders. The room was once more open. We were able to maneuver freely once again. The tenseness of the weeks before dissipating slowly. We had conquered it together. All that was left was to clean up the aftermath and rebuild.
The worst part was over. We all shared a common desire and that was to move forward. Now that the beast was removed, we could do so.
It is very rare I do something like this... Lead the way into the proverbial battle. Normally I wait for others make the move. Normally I await the word of the strongest person and pay strict attention to the strategy provided when that word comes. However, for some reason, the strongest person in this particular instance somehow ended up to be me.
The one who has always made a point to avoid conflict.
The Mouse of the group.
Perhaps I am being presumptuous but it seems that being so steadfast
has finally paid off.~pauses for a moment~
A mouse led the way....
There is something almost poetic about that.
I've been meaning to do a new photo manip. I finally got around to it.
I think it needs a story. Would anyone be willing to give it one?
Double Your Pleasure
Guy knew there was something wrong with his twins. He just didn't know how wrong.
He could hear them whispering above his head, those hateful little whispers. He tried to move. He knew he was hurt bad. He couldn’t feel his legs; to be honest, he couldn’t feel anything.
“Is he dead?”
“I’d like him to be dead.”
“I wish he was dead.”
“Let’s kill him”
“Please don’t do this to me. I’m your father.” Yet even as Guy spoke the words, he knew better.
- - - - - - - - - -
When Annette had come to him with news of her pregnancy, he’d felt the first thrill of being a father. Finally they were going to have a child, possibly even a son, whom he could love and raise. Then the news doubled. Twins. They were going to have twins.
“I didn’t know twins ran in Annette’s side of the family,” Mom said one night at dinner.
“They don’t,” Guy said. He was eating with them on account of Annette being too sick to make him food. Their friend, Jimmy, was sitting with her so she wouldn’t be alone. Everyone said the man was no good, but it didn’t seem to matter. Jimmy always had plenty of friends and plenty of money, though how it got it was a mystery. Guy had never known the man to work a day in his life. Guy never liked Jimmy growing up and he liked him even less now, but he was sure good to Annette.
“Well, they don’t run in ours, either. You ain’t been taking any funny medicine, have you, boy?”
Pop was joshing, Guy knew that, but he grew beet red. “No, sir, I ain’t done it no way but the usual way.”
“Jimmy’s a twin.” Mom was clearing the table and Guy’s throat closed up at her announcement. “I’m just saying, son.”
The words echoed in his head as he tromped home. As he approached their trailer, hell, his trailer, he was paying for it; he saw shadows dancing across the living room drapes, shadows that he didn’t like the looks of.
When the nurse handed him his daughters, Guy was ready to fall in love. The babies stared back at him with cold dark eyes, Jimmy’s eyes. They were only just born and they knew he wasn’t their father.
Still, he played along, welcoming these strangers into their home as his own. Tina, born two minutes earlier than Grace, was the born leader. It was as if they worked in tandem to make him crazy. But he didn’t let on.
The trouble started soon after they brought the twins home. They tried to christen the babies, but the wailing was too much for the good Father to bear. In fact, Grace twisted so much that he dropped her, fracturing her collarbone. It was just a freak accident that Tina, flailing and screaming, caught a cross and sent it crashing onto the priest. He died of complications.
That’s when they started noticing the crows. No matter where they went, there were crows around. He’d wake up in the middle of the night and hear them pecking at the window.
He went out one day and found the old farm dog dead and half eaten. Crows hopped around his body, pecking and jousting for a better position. Guy grabbed his .22 and blasted as many of them as he good. Rusty had been a good old dog. He deserved better.
Then Pop had an accident with the tractor and plow. Something, he swore it was a crow, knocked him from the tractor and the plow cut clean through his leg. It was providence that he was found when he was or he would have bled to death.
Then the cows started getting sick and their milk ran out. The farm, which has once flourished, now struggled on a daily basis.
“It’s a nice day. I’m gonna take the girls out,” Guy announced one summer afternoon. There was nothing for him to do, not really.
Annette got a weird look in her eyes. She hadn’t been right since the delivery. It has been hard on her, but the doctors couldn’t quite figure out why. While the babies flourished, Annette withered. It got so bad that she couldn’t even breast feed them anymore. Annette didn’t seem very upset by it. She stayed as far away from the babies as everyone else did.
“I wish you wouldn’t, Guy. It’s so much trouble for you.”
“No trouble. Can’t a father parade his girls around town?” He tried hard to sound proud, but he knew it never reached his eyes.
“Take Shelia with you. In case…”
“In case of what?”
“Things.” She glanced at the window where a crow was perched and left it at that.
They had gotten to the park, just a patch of ground, bracketed by thick forest on one side and the main road on the other. There was a gazebo in the middle and some benches along a dusty path. The park was strangely deserted this afternoon. It was just them and the crows.
Guy looked up the path and saw Jimmy coming up their way. It was the first time he’s seen him since the twins were born. He saw Guy and the baby carriage and headed towards the woods.
“Hey, Shelia, why don’t you go get us some ice cream? I’m sure Old Man Miller still has some left.”
“All right… I could use a rest room break anyhow.” Sheila pulled her sweater closer and hurried away.
Guy waited until she was around the bend, then got to his feet and rapidly pushed the carriage down the path. The nice thing about never leaving the town you were born in was that you knew your way around. Jimmy, a drifter at heart, didn’t.
Jimmy came around the corner and let out a little cry of surprise at the sight of Guy blocking his path with a baby carriage.
“Hey, Guy.” His voice had a false sense of bravado to it.
“What are you doing here?”
“I thought you’d like to see the babies – them being yours and all.”
Jimmy paled and took a step back. “Don’t know what you’re talking about, Guy. I’ve heard what’s being whispered. Those devils aren’t mine.”
The twins were reaching, their tiny hands clutching at the air in an attempt to get to him. Tina made funny little noises, thick guttural grunts.
“I think you’re wrong, Jimmy. Look at them. They want their daddy. Guess you messed up big this time and I’m gonna make sure everyone knows whose mess this is.”
“But that’s your job, Guy. You always were good at cleaning up messes. After all, shoveling shit is your job.”
Guy’s fist flew and punched Jimmy hard in the face. The blow knocked him back and he stumbled over a pile of rocks. He fell backwards, his arms wind-milled in an attempt to stay upright. It was too little too late. Jimmy went over backward and his head cracked against a rock.
“Not anymore.” Guy turned and stopped. Both babies stared at him, their eyes wide, as if they’d known what he’d done. “He did this to your mama. If he’d been a man, he’d stood up for you. I’m your father and don’t you forget it!” He could tell they didn’t believe him.
The years passed slowly. Tina and Grace grew into toddlers. Their raven hair fell in thick strands to their shoulders, making people stop and stare. Their skin was alabaster white, their cheeks rosy. They looked like the perfect children until you got to their eyes.
The twins wanted no part of society. They kept to themselves, never associating with children their own age. Whenever a child tried to approach them, something happened. A toy was broken, a name was called, or an injury was inflicted. Soon, no child would even want to be in the same room as the twins. And that was fine with them. They would sit and talk in their own language, darting looks about to make sure no one got to close.
Guy went about his daily chores, always happy to get out of the house and away from those eyes. Annette was a mere shell of a woman now, old and twisted at just thirty. She did her best to dote upon the girls, as if trying to appease them and garner their good will.
“Guy?” Annette was sitting at the kitchen table, her hair hanging in limp strands, still wearing a house coat and slippers.
“Could you maybe not go to the barn today? Maybe you could stay here and we could watch TV or do whatever you want
“I don’t think so.”
“I’m not well, Guy, and I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of them.” She glanced towards the hall, but there was no sign of the twins. “I think they are trying to kill me.”
“Guess you should have thought of that before you and Jimmy did the Bone Dance then. You want protection, go to him.”
“You know he’s just a vegetable now, ever since he fell and hit his head. All he can do is sit and drool.”
“God in his infinite wisdom.” Guy turned and the twins were there, staring at him. He spit and walked out.
That night Annette was dead. The coroner said it was cancer or something. Guy knew better. He’d seen the large black feathers and plucked them out of her mouth. Annette was dead and Guy knew exactly who killed her.
He slept in the camper that night, with everything locked tight and his deer rifle in his arms.
Most folks said their goodbyes to Annette at the funeral home. It was just him and his two daughters at the gravesite. Annette’s casket had already been lowered into the hole and all that remained was for the groundskeepers to shovel the dirt back in.
“Goodbye, Old Girl,” he murmured, kneeling in the reddish dirt. “It wasn’t much of a run for you, but I’ll make it right now.”
“What do you mean?” Tina’s voice lacked the sweet sibilance of a normal child’s voice. Hers was harsh and curiously flat.
“Means I’m sending you away some place where they will lock you up and treat you like the monsters you--”
He never got to finish the statement. A crow dropped from the sky and into his face. With a cry, he toppled backwards into the open grave, his back cracking as it slammed into Annette’s coffin. He could hear them whispering above his head, those hateful little whispers, and he tried to move. He knew he was hurt bad. He couldn’t feel his legs; to be honest, he couldn’t feel anything.
“Is he dead?”
“I’d like him to be dead.”
“I wish he was dead.”
“Let’s kill him”
“Please don’t do this to me. I’m your father.” Yet even as Guy spoke the words, he knew better.
“Liar!” A shower of dirt fell on his face and into his mouth, choking him. He tried to move, screaming with the effort, even as more and more dirt poured in on him until sweet oblivion took him.
Grace looked into the hole. “He’s quiet.”
“Good.” Tina brushed her hands off, careful to keep her dress neat and clean. A crow landed besides her and took a few hops. She laughed and petted its head.
Turning, she held out her hand and her sister took it. They started down the cemetery path, alone and quite happy to be that way.
“What are we going to do now?”
Her big sister by two minutes smiled. “Let’s skip.”
"White Lady", also known as "Woman in White"
I have had my experiences with ghosts but this was the first time I actually SAW
one. Usually I just feel them.
I happened across her one evening while out on a late night drive with Vampy. We were not ghost hunting, or anything of that nature. We had just gone to the lake for a late-night picnic. While sitting in the car, munching down on some fabulous plastic smammiches (store bought sandwiches), cause it was too cold to actually get out, I happened to see something in the rear view mirror in the corner of my eye. I look up at the mirror and she was standing behind my car. She was fuzzy so I turned to get a better look at her and she vanished. This happened three
times. Each time I would turn and find nothing behind the car. Once she passed out of the rear view and into the side view mirror. But each time I turned to get a better look, she vanished. I didnt see her face, or hair for that matter. I just saw enough of her to know she was female and wearing a long white dress.
I will freely admit to being sufficiently creeped out and, much to Vampy's chagrin, we left very shortly after. Normally I would be all about seeking her out but with so many legends and the fact there have been several reported deaths in this particular location, I was not about to stick around.
There are many stories about where the White Lady originates from. Personally I believe that no White Lady is the same. You can stumble upon them anywhere. Mine just happened to be at a lake near the Mexican border. >Click here for more info on the Woman in White<
Finally got some sleep. Had to be poisoned to get it, but I got it. Now I'm awake.. ish. My body is shivering even though I'm not cold. Food.. yeah, I should probably acquire some. That's most likely the reason I am shaky.
Just an FYI, darlings: if my messenger status says "Away", then rest assured I am, indeed, Away. I swear I am not ignoring you. x_x
There is a photo-manip I have rolling around in my head for the past few days of a little girl surrounded by demons. Unfortunately I can't seem to find the motivation to pull it together.
I will read/comment on my F-List later. Right now I am going to introduce myself to Dexter (as has been recommended by many friends) and get to know/love him and possibly even lust after him. You know.. cause I'm attracted to serial killers and psychopaths. A lover of the deranged.
>>CLICKIE FOR PERSONALITY TEST<<
And... here I am. Every single word speaks true.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on educationEducation is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.
(As of last night, actually.)
Yeah, yeah i need it for networking....
Thing is, i actually don't.
Not anymore anyway...
Life is short.
Those who wish to contact me have my email and cell number as well as my skype and messenger info.
They don't want to use it, then whatever. They can fuck off for all i care.
- Listed Under:life
This is the third entry I have written this evening (this morning?) and I am NOT going to delete it. Rawrz. (Don't ask me why I am having so many issues. My only guess is that I can't seem to get in the right head space.)
I was claimed to be immortalized
for their introduction challenge in therealljidol
said he also wanted to "claim" me but arrived too late to do so. This makes me feel rather giddy for some reason, being 'claimed' to play the starring role in a bit of writing. My giddiness may seem silly but I really don't care. Many would be surprised at the smallest of things that make me happy.
Insomnia has come to visit once more this evening. She has been romping around in my brain and making a mess of things. Once in awhile I have been able to calm her down by watching episodes of Lost Girl
. But after 2 or 3 of them she starts to get antsy again, bouncing up and down the hallways and popping in and out of random rooms. I wouldn't mind it so much if she would stay in one of the rooms long enough to allow me a bit of focus. But no. She even harassed my Muse for a couple of hours, chasing the poor thing from attic to basement while babbling near maniacally. My Muse is now curled up in a corner, trembling and scared out of it's mind.
It's nearing 5 AM now and the evil daystar of doom will soon be making it's appearance. So, time to shower and go for a walk. Perhaps by the time I return, Insomnia will have left and I will be able to have some peace. If not, well there is always tomorrow night. Er.... tonight.
Feeling rather old school right now.. Yay for Garbage.( LyricsCollapse )
: A small pixie-like creature (often female) which takes up residence in Tokyo, Japan.
A Meep is a brightly colorful sprite with a personality to match. Sweet and friendly, the Meep is able to instantly able to make their neon mark on you no matter how "dark" you may be. (And believe me.. I'm pretty dark.) Meeps are very intelligent, often able to speak several human languages fluently and they are attracted to vibrant colors. If a Meep is surrounded by dismal blacks and greys, then they will begin to decorate their surroundings with a wide variety of brightly colored paper flowers.Caring for your Meep:
Meeps are very affectionate and social creatures. If you are the busy type, it is recommended that you house a minimum of 2 or more Meeps so they do not get lonely. Meeps also like to roam freely and not be caged. As long as you care for your Meep correctly, your Meep will remain loyal and you will never have to worry about them flitting out your window never to return. Be certain to allow them the freedom to roam outdoors as well as they are very curious creatures and love to explore. If your Meep must be kept indoors due to inclement weather, make certain that there are plenty of books (anime), toys (ball-joint dolls), and music available to keep them occupied.Feeding:
Meeps have a very high metabolism and require large amounts of sugar. Sweets of any sort will suffice. Pink cupcakes are their favorite food. Sprinkles make them extra cheerful.
Following these simple guidelines will ensure that your Meep(s) stay happy and healthy for many years to come.Artist Rendering of Meep
Sleep has not been a friend of mine the past... few weeks. It has come to the point where I stay awake for nearly 3 days straight before I manage to crash. And when I finally do, it is only for a couple hours here and there. I know it's probably stress-related. There have been some major emotional adjustments I have had to make and some health issues I have been dealing with and it is all been getting a bit overwhelming. But.. that is life.
It was during one of these short periods of sleep that I kept hearing my name being called. Not my given name, nor the one that I have spent the past 7+ years developing into my own persona.. but another name. A name that, when I heard it, felt like... it just fit. I KNEW it was me they were calling. I know it sounds odd... I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make any sense at all. I just know its Mine. and someone.. a female voice, was looking for me calling me by that name.
The name they called was "Damea"
Now.. when I woke up, my mind continued to cling to this simple word. I found that I felt a little piece of me had fallen into place at random. I honestly thought it was a fluke of some sort, so i did a little research thinking that perhaps my mind had subconsciously grabbed a name from a t.v. show or something. Nothing came up, though, so I researched the name itself and found some curious information about the name that, oddly enough, described me near perfectly.
This is the information I found on Kabalarians.com
- The name of Demea creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others.
- While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far.
- Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up.
- You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility.
- In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please.
- When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters.
- The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.
As for the last point about the health issues, even that is right on track. (Except for my eyes.. so far those are ok.) But headaches have constantly been an issue as well as my kidneys. In fact, during my Carnie experience, in 2011, they were such an issue that I nearly died
. I lost count how many times I ended up in the E.R. due to severe pain while on the road. It was horrible and I still feel really bad for my boss having to deal with it for as long as he did. (I would like to do the carnie thing again now that this issue is out of the way but.. I doubt certain individuals would be very receptive to the idea.)
Anyway.. so that's where I am. Trying not to go crazy and pondering if there is any truth in past life regressions.
Today.. well, no. I suppose at this point in the morning that "Yesterday" would be a more truthful term. So we will go with that and I will start over.
Yesterday was my first "rock" concert. As in... ever. It was a day of bands which ended in Cake
and The Killers
At first I was worried that my anxiety would kick in and ruin it. Between the fact it was an outdoor concert in the Arizona sun and the mob of more seasoned concert goers, there was much concern. But, thanks to a friend coming down from Phx to join me, I managed to last the entire day. We ended snagging a rare spot of shade and enjoyed the background sound of the bands while discussing photography for hours.
When Cake came on, I moved down to the ground from the stadium seating. And when they were done, I forced myself to get as close to the stage as I could. At this point, my anxiety did kick in and by the time the Killers started, I was feeling light-headed. The huge surge of people that my friend had warned me about still managed to hit me unexpectedly. But, knowing my friend was right behind me, I did stand my ground and not give in to my flight response. (Which, I will be honest, was incredibly painful.) I focused on the band, the lyrics, the music and somehow I managed to calm my mind... even though my physical body was not calm at all. (Yay for ice-cold clammy skin, labored breathing, and feeling WAY too hot.) I found peace despite my body reacting horribly. At one point, while I had lost myself, My friend touched my arm and nearly freaked out saying I felt like ice. He then proceeded to feel my head, cheek, and the back of my neck and asked me if I wanted to back away. But I wouldn't. I had made it that far and dammit, I was going to stay there and get closer every opportunity that arrived.
And opportunities did arrive. One including some fat chick getting all pissed off at a skinny girl in front of her and then pulling me out from behind her as well as pushing me towards the front in an effort to piss the skinny girl off. Away from my friend... I did have a bit of concern as I don't want to be caught in the middle of random people's drama, but skinny girl was cool. She realized what was going on and pulled us closer to the stage where we proceeded to rock on in peace. I later found out that fat chick got pissed off and left not even two minutes after that. I was amused.
My panic attack didn't ever end though. It wasn't until the concert was over and I was in the car that I managed to calm the physical part of me down and return to a normal body temp. So basically that means I was able to fight my way through about 2 straight hours of substantial anxiety. I am pretty damn proud of that!
(And yes.. I do realize that this was a rather "tame" concert. But I don't know if I would have been able to manage a mosh pit during Godsmack. Baby steps...)
And now.. cause I can't get them out of my head...
Me? Intimidated? Pfft...
Ok, I am. And in all honesty, i do not know what possessed me to go for therealljidol
mini-contest. But I did and here I am. I hope I manage to do decently.
Of course, me joining again means I took part in a mini "Friending Frenzy" of sorts. I don't know why I did that either. Usually I am too "dark"
, too "open"
, too "strange"
, too "crazy"
, too "immature"
, too "old"
, too "weird"
, or even too "boring"
for most people to stick around very long. In other-words... I'm just not "normal"
enough for the majority of the contestants I have happened across. People usually like to read about things/people they can relate to. I very seldom fall into that category. (Unless by some strange twist of fate, the readers are just as abnormal as myself.)
The last time I did this, (2010-/-2011) it felt like I was ripping out my soul by the time I finally just stopped. I had already made it 10 weeks in which, in all honesty, shocked me. I suppose I would have been proud of making it that far back then, had I not been so wrapped up in craziness. (Carnie life/school/family drama.) Happily I think I may be able to stick with it this time.So.. New People! ~waves~
I am Witchdollie. Or "Witchie" or "Dollie" or.. (if you want to get real-life personal) "Ivy". I answer to all four and have for several years. I'm a bit of a geek and a nerd rolled into one. I'm a gamer, a texter, and, oddly enough, have found the joy in chatting on instant messenger again. I don't RP but I am told I would be a natural because I "emote" a lot. So.. if you want, I am 'witchdollie' on yahoo and 'lilwitchdollie' on google talk. Be warned though.. I may make a journal entry just for you.
I am currently in the process of building up my photography business. I love taking pictures, I love playing with Photoshop, and I love creating photo-manipulations as well. I also love to sing and I love to play music. In fact.. I pretty much love anything that allows me to express myself in some way, shape or form.
However, with writing, I have a love/hate relationship. I am surrounded (literally) by people who seem to be able to weave words into everything from simplistic short stories to fantastic tales that hinge on the borders of fact and fiction and involve the reader so completely that they find themselves breathless when they have finished reading. It's quite intimidating. I want to be able to do that. So.. that's my main reason for joining this contest. In hopes that the brilliant minds of those I am surrounded by will somehow rub off on me.
Winning would be cool too, of course. But, in all honesty, I never enter these things to win. I enter them to motivate myself and make myself work harder to become better at what I aspire to be. (In short.. so I "suck less")
Other stuff about me... My pets consist of 3 black cats, 3 chickens, 2 med-sized dogs, a snake and 2 tanks of fish. I also have a daughter who will be 9 in July.
I no longer filter my entries really.. so read at your own risk. Sometimes I may write about fetish-type stuff. I will normally screen all comments on such entries. I don't know why... maybe so people will fell more comfortable in responding. Who knows?
As for the rest... I can be quite random.
On with the show!
- Listed Under:lj idol
- Music:Long Time ~ Cake
Having one of those moments where I wish I could do an entry via voice and just transcribe it later. Took a mini-road trip further west than my normal boundaries of Phoenix. Im still not at my designated end point but I had to stop and stretch my legs. So far I have discovered that as much as I hate a ton of traffic, I hate it even more when trapped in a dark tunnel. I am amazed at how many "end-of-the-world" movie scenes have managed to cram their way into the recesses of my brain. Another thing I noticed, every time I drove past a large sign indicating the route to Los Angeles, I felt a bit of trepidation. Not sure where that is coming from....
Ok. Resting time is over. I will attempt to ignore the fact that the last time I made a trip like this (to meet someone new), I ended up driving home with a fractured knee-cap... that was rather unpleasant.
How do you know if the reason you are missing a certain someone is not simply just because you have no one?
That sounds wrong. I do have people in my life... just not what i am supposed to have.. supposedly.
I'm not making any sense.
I never really believed in the whole "One True Love" idea. I always wanted to. It's an adorable fairy tale. It makes everything fit in a nice neat package if there is a single person out there that you are meant to be with. It's simple and clean and wonderfully romantic. It's how it works in all the story books and all the romantic movies. It's always the way I've wanted it to work. That perfect moment of knowing. The idea of that epic, earth shattering "True Love" sweeping you away and taking you completely is probably the ultimate romantic dream.
It's also complete nonsense.
That said I do believe that you meet people and fall in love and that sometimes you'll always be in love with them to some degree. They add some new dimension to your life that means long after the fires go cold there will be something there left behind. A little ember or what not that will never really go out. Sometimes it's good; sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's a little of both. Whatever the exact case you, as a result of that experience, have been fundamentally altered.
Unfortunately, I think that in such alterations you leave a piece of you behind as well as take something new. I'm certain that in even the happiest conclusions of times of love a part of you is lost. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I've seen it in my life and many people close to me.
Vampy has an up and down relationship with someone, I'll be honest, I don't particularly like... and that is putting it nicely. Whatever my opinions on her, he loves her. He says he'll always love her. I believe him. I think he'll probably find someone else someday, but that she'll always be a part of him to some degree. I think it is an experience. A fundamental change. Possibly it is good. Possibly it is bad. Possibly it is a little of both. Whatever the case it is profound and it will leave something inside him and take something away. I think some day he'll love someone else. I don't think he'll love that new person any more or less. It will simply be different.
Whatever the case, I think sometimes that happens. It's like a sort of permanent love, if you will. Not that it will always be there, but that it will mean so much that there's no going back once it happens. You can't be what you were before it. You might want to, you might not. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter because it won't happen.
The problem is, such a lasting impression is going to constantly leave you with a nagging feeling that you want it back and more often than not you can't have that either. You'll go through life pushing it away and ignoring it, but it will always be around in the back of your head. It's almost like if you don't think about it directly it could still happen. Like the very idea is made of aether and shadows. It's so delicate that direct exposure to light would banish it. But when it's lurking just out of view it's comfortable. It's comfortable because when it's just over there it's still possible and as long as it's possible it's okay.
Of course that isn't healthy either....
I'm certain that you'll eventually move beyond that. Not that the little ember will go out or that you'll find someone who will replace them. I doubt such a profound impact could be "replaced" anyways. But I think eventually you won't need that aether and shadows. The dream just out of view, but not what caused it, will be replaced by something real and solid. We just have to wait for that.
The problem comes when our delicate aether and shadows are laid bare to harsh lights unexpectedly. When we are forced to look the insubstantial dream in the face and see it for what it is. Not to be replaced by something real and good, but rather just exposed for the lie that we keep off to the side so we can sleep soundly. Something that says soundly, "He won't ever be yours again…"
I don't believe in "One True Love". I always wanted to. I could just never swallow it.
There have been many times I was glad that I could never swallow it.
There have been many times I looked at my aether and shadows and it hurt, but I'll live.
There have been many times that if I had believed in "One True Love" I would have driven my car as fast as I could into oncoming traffic.
I found an old journal entry I made back in December of 2002. Before getting married... before even getting engaged. Actually I think it was before I even moved to Arizona. I found it copy/pasted into the journal of one of my ex-boyfriends. ~laughs at the irony of this~
Im just going to place it here because it reminds me of how far I have come... as well as what is still an issue.
Some things never seem to change...
- - - - - - - - - - -
"Among a Libra's faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval." Paraphrased from a site that explains the zodiac signs.
I have thought about this... a LOT. And looking back from years past, up until today, I realize the truth of it. However.. I am much better at accepting what can be called constructive criticism given in a non-accusatory manner. The greed for approval however is a different story.
I have done many things to gain approval. I have a need for it that is unbelievable. It's not something that I have been able to get over. If I feel I am failing in this effort and no approval of me is gained, then I end up slumping into a depression, feeling that I will never be 'good enough' and try even harder at the task in which I supposedly failed at. It's a vicious cycle.
Then... if there is anything left of the person I become, sometimes I can pull myself away from the situation, look at everything that happened and learn from it. Sometimes... not always..
I think about this now... After reading emails sent by my dear friend Michael, (whom I miss more then he would ever know). I saved every one of them. Just as I saved Christopher's as well as John's... (until his became too painful in which case I deleted them all for I had no desire to remember the harsh words he sent.)
I also think of my so-called lifestyle. I move around so much that if I were to change my clothing a tad and start wearing big gold hoop earrings, I would make a exceptionally perfect gypsy. Why do I move so much? Because of others. Because of people whom I love or want to get away from. I don't think there was ever a time I moved somewhere simply because.. I wanted to live there.. in that area. If I were to move to any of my personal desired locations in the U.S., it would be either Seattle, Denver, Chicago, or somewhere in Massachusetts. But I don't. I go where I am needed/wanted because the people who I care for are there. I want to make them happy. When they are happy, I am happy. (I am sure that has something to do with the approval factor somewhere along the lines.)
I wish I could get over this need. But I guess it's part of who I am. Perhaps I should trade in my black clothes for brightly colored skirts, peasant blouses and change my name to Esmerelda.
- Listed Under:memories
I spent the last 3(ish) days - mostly with lack of sleep - but I finally got it done.
I tagged Every. Single. Entry.
Now they can be accessed with ease. -->Clickie Link<--
My original reason I started this was because I was looking for two specific journal entries. They were not tagged so I went though my entire journal looking for them. ALL 8 YEARS WORTH
I tagged as I went along but I never did find the entries which means I must have posted them on my Myspace page - - - which has since been deleted. (of course...)
So this means I need to write two entries because these experiences were pretty damn awesome. So awesome that their awesomeness cannot be confined into a single entry. Both having taking place back when Vampy and I did our night drives on a near weekly basis.
I have also decided that in the near future I will be finally making my 'tattoo' entry which will include pics as well as the stories/significance behind each one.
I do have to say one thing. It was kinda cool watching Kindergoth grow up through the entries. Both in simple text posts and posts with pics.
I also have to say that I truly regret deleting the 5 years of journaling before I created this one. There were many memories that I have lost in doing so. But that's ok too. cause now I can write them as I remember them and they will be tagged accordingly in this one. Hah.
Ok. Time to go out into the world for a bit. I am in dire need of fresh air.
I have spent the past few days searching for words.
Searching, and failing. Though now I am realizing that perhaps the words I am searching for are ones I don't really wish to find. Or rather, share... which is completely ridiculous. So I will just pace myself and muddle through in hopes to find a point where I finally allow myself to relax. Because in all honesty, I think that is what it is coming down to. My ability to relax and allow myself to let it flow.
A week ago this past Weds, a portion of my world was destroyed. At that moment, in my eyes and in my heart, it was a cataclysmic event. I could see nothing through the smoke and ash as I stumbled blindly through the rubble for several days after. Soot had caked in my lungs, making my chest heavy and my breath labored. Fumes burned my eyes causing them to brim with tears near constantly. At some point, from seemingly out of nowhere, a stranger arrived to help lead me out of the wreckage. Despite this, it seemed like an eternity of me losing my balance.
Daylight faded into night and my heart ached with loss. I found myself reaching out, groping the darkness for anything to replace the grief. A demon emerged, it's red eyes piercing into my soul. Despite myself, I welcomed it with open arms and allowed the terror of its psyche to take up residence and plant a mark on mine. It coiled around my soul, enveloping my sorrow with trepidation. A strange cushion, but a cushion nonetheless. I willingly carried it with me. Nurturing it through the night and keeping it protected from the light of day. Carefully maintaining the delicate balancing act so not to fall prey to it completely.
Before long, the air began to clear and I could breathe a little easier once more. When the vapors and smoke finally dissipated enough, the stranger, now my Protector, stood back as I worked through the mess that was left behind. Searching for something, anything, that I could salvage. I found it in the form of a gift given a few years back, A simple teddy bear, once white as snow... My hope. I pulled it out from under busted up metal and concrete, seeing only the pure undiluted love beyond the grime that coated it. I hugged my hope close to my heart with determination and made my way back to my Protector. Together we cleansed my hope and returned it to its flawless hue.
Now I am rebuilding this segment and I am finding that it is not completely destroyed as I once thought. If anything, it is merely being unfurled to allow room for more of what I need. Those important to me still remain. What I once perceived as a cataclysmic event, turned out to be merely a colossal wrecking ball knocking huge holes into the walls I had built around my heart. Just adding some space...
There is much work to be done in the rebuilding and I know it must be done quickly. My vulnerability has already allowed two individuals closer to me than I ever allow anyone in a short period of time. I am constantly fighting an inner battle with myself. The small girl who wants to be loved and accepted vs the woman who knows all too well the dangers of doing so.
I am really glad I finally got this out though.. I do feel much better. Perhaps I can return to a somewhat normal sleeping schedule now that it is not so difficult to breathe....
"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe"
- Listed Under:friends, life, life lessons, loss, love, lyrics, me, muse, relationships, truths, video
- Music:Breathe ~ Anna Nalick
1. You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here."
When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Life is exactly what you think it is.
You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.
10. Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
11. You will forget all this.
12. You can remember it whenever you want.
- Listed Under:random
- Music:Beautiful ~ Joydrop
want to write...
too damn tired...
just completely drained...
the feeling of true fear, in it's purest form was experienced.
raw and unyielding.. i found myself nearly begging for mercy... nearly only because i found it hard to breathe
my chest being crushed by aphotic dread, so condensed it was nearly tangible.
i did not cry... but i almost did... i wanted to.
it happened hours ago. literally.. and yet i find myself still thinking about it... reeling from it.
logic and common sense tell me it was nothing but words. well placed, not even verbal... (oh god.. the thought of them being verbal)
but the memory slithers through my mind, unrelenting and my mouth fills with cotton
terror has a new flavor and it's essence is exhilarating.
they were just words..
just text on a screen
D' you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill
Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before
Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning
During a "What I like about you" meme, I was told the following:
"You are so steadfast that sometimes I don't know what to do with you. You refuse to give up on people. We've both had hard times with others, and while I've generally let go of the rest of the world, you keep hanging onto it, and it's a pretty awe-inspiring thing to see."
At the time, I made a joke in response because I know it must drive people crazy. Especially where my family is concerned. But this morning was the first time I personally realized that this was a factual statement. Not just an opinion. Oddly enough, I had never actually saw myself in this manner, or even how far it extended.
My family is absolutely horrible, and yet.. I allowed them several chances, each and every one completely undeserved. I did this because I really wanted a family that all my friends seem to have. Mothers and fathers that love them. Grandparents who believe in them..My family was horrible from the beginning and yet for several years I tried to make things work. It took a huge effort for me to finally just.. stop. And that only happened recently.
And then, there are the people who I call friends. And I have categories for them.
**People who were good to me and for some reason or another, things just fell apart. The ones that drifted away, I allowed to drift. There was never any animosity. There still isn't.
**There are also one's who were good but we had moments of "what the fuckery", be it their fault or mine. But we have known one another for at least a year. We end up drifting as well, but if we see one another again we are both happy to hang out.
**Then there are those few who have been in my life for 3-5 years. We have had our differences. We have stopped speaking. And nearly every single time, it was for a damn good reason. But we always reconnect. We apologize. We admit we were wrong and we end up stronger for it. Usually until the next big blow-out. (And then it is wash/rinse/repeat.) This particular group is one I am less likely to allow to slip away. I would be lying if I said that "time" does not play a role in this. It does. Take Vampy for instance. I have literally lost count of how many times we have been on the outs. How many times I have said "This is it. Fuck you. I'm done." - - - And how many times, despite my frustrations, I remembered the person he is deep down in his heart. And how many times I have seen it and witnessed it for myself. - - - This last time.. and I never posted about it because I was honestly worried what people might think.. I actually contacted him and told him that his "reason" for dropping me as a friend was unacceptable. Just be cause I was busy and he perceived I was blowing him off. To my complete shock, he agreed. Said I was right. Apologized and said he missed hanging with me. And now.. we are friends again.
**And finally there are the very small group who have been in my life 9+ years. This group is so small, that I can count them on one hand. However, this particular group is one that I absolutely refuse to let go of. They have been in my life for so long that I have developed a deep bond. And no matter what level we are friendship-wise, or how many... differences we may have, these are the few that I will do absolutely everything in my power to keep in my life. Not as mere acquaintances, but as my closest friends. People whom I would do anything for. These are the people who I have built a bond of trust and respect. These are the people that I will always be loyal to in any situation. These are the people who... if they try to walk away, I will refuse to see them as anything less than someone I cherish. Who if we get into a disagreeable situation, I will refuse to give up on. No matter what. In fact, they would have to do something that would be the equivalent of murdering my child before I would ever even think to let them out of my life. I refuse to treat them as anything less than what they are in my eyes no matter what the circumstance may be. This is because I know for an absolute fact that they are worthy of my friendship. They are worthy of my loyalty and trust. And even when they break it, I will absolutely refuse to give up because I know that they are worth my efforts to regain my trust in them.
This last group has the ability to absolutely shatter my heart. The people in this last group, I can never be angry with. When/if we have are differences, the only emotions I can ever seem to feel are despair followed by hope. Both of these are cushioned with my determination to make things right because these people mean the world to me. I am loyal to them and will be until my last breath. In short.. I love them with all my heart.. And I refuse to treat them the way I have been treated for nearly all my life. They are worth more than that. The deserve better than that. And I will always give it to them.
I thought about this for a long time last evening and well into the wee hours of the morning. And I do realize one simple fact. It is the same single reason I have made it this far in life and I am still alive today.
My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.
And that is the simple fact that I will never give up.
My hair is now nearly completely white.
It is amazing how my girl was able to get it to this point from pitch black in such a short amount of time.
No.. not posting pics now. Not yet. But it will be sooner than I originally thought.
- Listed Under:random
This was a gift for someone. I have edited it slightly since I gave them what I thought was the finished product. It is an attempt at choosing a particular piece of music and writing a story to go along with it. The setting is inspired both by the HBO Series "Game of Thrones" as well as my current favorite MMO, "Guild Wars 2".
Before reading, please have this link
open as the story is meant to be read while listening to the music it was being written to.( Read more...Collapse )
Feedback is appreciated.
I have been writing a lot more the past few months. Not "journaling", but actually writing. Though the past few weeks I have been getting better about updating my journal as well. I suppose I got in a place where I forgot how cathartic it can be even when it is about nothing. Anyway.. the writing. I considered creating a side account for it, but I think I will just post it here from time to time to break up the monotony of regular entries. I will always tag it as fiction though so just in case it is too realistic, it will be noted. Besides, last evening Ecamer paid for another year of my LJ as a surprise gift. He would not tell me what for but I have a feeling it has to do with health issues that I have not addressed here. He has no access. He does not know what I write. He just knows I have been "typing a lot". So I guess, in a way, I feel more obligated to write here (on DW) and cross-post it to my LJ account. Though I really do wish he would have paid my web-site fee instead, though it is considerably more expensive to pay for a year of that than it is a year of LJ. I just don't want to give the new owners more money. I can't tell you how many times, despite having a paid account, I have received spam in my public posts. And that's WITH captcha!
Today is a day for getting my roots touched up. The only reason I am able to do this is because my life insurance application to New York Life was denied and they returned my check. It's a good thing though. I want to look good for Christian's party tomorrow. It's the equivilant of my debut as well, so it's rather important. One of our mutual hair-stylist friends said she would give my hair an 80's look the day of the party as well for free so that makes me happy. Now, I just need to decide on how far to go make-up wise. I will admit I am a bit out of my element here. 80's glam is just so... colorful. I wish all my drag-queen friends were not so busy. Luckily I have all the colors I need. (Halloween make-up FTW!!!) I just need to figure out how to apply them and not end up looking like a clown. So.. that is something I will be studying today. Gonna be all Rock Star!
And now, my favorite cover of Soft Cell's "Sex Dwarf" - performed by Leæther Strip
that's about the only way i can describe this song..
meh. the picture is sorely out of place, though.
The past 24 hours have been.... a trial, to put it mildly. Losing someone you love always sucks. No matter how it happens.
If it were not for the fact that a very random person reached out to me... and insisted on keeping me company, I honestly do not know where my state of mind would be. I do know that I would unlikely be as clear-headed as I am now. This random person.. contacting me out of the blue. Not knowing anything and yet, still knowing what to say to keep me talking when I said, quite blatantly, I was not in the mood to chat with anyone. Next thing I knew, I was speaking with him via messenger and his easy manner and kind tone had managed to get under my skin enough to ease the pain and help me to think clearly. Logically.
Today, when picking up my daughter, she told me of a friend of hers that made a promise, and yet broke it. She was very sad as this was someone she cared for. I told her that sometimes, people make promises with no intention of keeping them. That it was why she should always do her best to honor the ones that she made and to never make them lightly. In doing so, she would eventually gain the trust and respect of her friends and they, in turn, would be loyal to her.
...I admit that after the past 24 hours, those words tasted like ash on my tongue. I quickly added "hopefully" because I felt like I was feeding her lies. Was that not what I had been spending the past several years of my life doing? So much for that idea...
After that, I drove the rest of the way home in silence. My mind working through yesterday, last evening, and today while she babbled on about the ladybugs she caught at school. I am not certain when, but at some point all of the conversations rolling around in my head, including the one with my daughter, made me realize something. And this realization both put me in shock and made me quite sad.
I had lost my respect for this loved one. Completely and totally lost all respect. Perhaps that will change.. I do not know.
I am rather dismayed by this. I did not know that was even possible.
But at the same time, it brought a sense of closure that I was not expecting to have for... weeks at the very least. Certainly not this quickly.
I am not going to think much on it though. Normally I would analyze the "why" but I see no reason to do so.
I know why I lost my respect for them and that is enough.
No need to question why it made things so much easier...
Such is life.
A chapter closed, not by my wish, but as requested.
That final request fulfilled.
I will choose the fond memories over the end result.
I would much rather remember the person who I loved, respected, and cherished than the cold stranger who has become no more than... an acquaintance.
or even... "Someone that I used to know"
Lame statement perhaps. But fitting just the same. Suddenly, that song makes so much more sense to me.
- Listed Under:loss, love. failure
- Music:Crossroads - Mind in a Box (for old times sake)
So, on Sunday, I went to this Meetup that brings photographers and models together once a month for building portfolios. I made friend's with a gentleman that was very knowledgeable. As for the shoot.. It was the first time I ever walked away without even one good shot. Granted, this has a lot to do with the fact that I let someone fiddle with my camera before taking pics. That was my fault. Thankfully I had Scott show me exactly how to adjust it so that I would not have to worry later. However, I left it how it was for the moment because I had suspension party to shoot that same night and the settings were near perfect for that.
This weekend is Christian's 80's prom. I am both excited and experiencing anxiety because this is the first time I have ever shot anything with a studio-like set. I keep fiddling with my camera settings even though I know once I get there, I will just have to do so again. I will have Ecamer with me. Originally I was not going to, but because I need to keep records of who is ordering what, print-wise, I decided to ask. (And thanks to the meetup I went to, I now know where I can send the images to get them printed up exactly as I need and I can avoid wal-mart.) This could be a big break as far as my desperate attempts to make myself lucrative is concerned. If I can just get to where I can pay for my own health insurance...
- - - - -
- - - - -
There was more to write, but i no longer have the heart. I'm just going to take some drugs to numb myself and get done what needs to be done.
I think I have some degree of knowledge now as to the "why" the ordeal of FOX vs Firefly fans has bothered me so much. A conflict which, in the grand scheme of things, is rather small and insignificant yet I felt the need to make a rant/post
about it at book length.
When it comes to me, personally, my simple take on things is to respect yourself and others despite the differences. Everyone should be allowed the same freedoms and no one should be able to use their personal beliefs to take away the freedoms of others. Gay rights, "Christians" not being allowed to bend the law in such a way that "non-Christians" are affected, and other things like that have always been things that I have been mostly silently but diligently making a stand for. It's basic human rights. This has always been a constant.
The "Jayne Hat" issue hit several nerves on a deeper, more personal level. It brought to light things that are more important to me than the major "world" issues. I do not speak much about my personal life. Even the closest person to me does not know many things. In reality, no one Truly knows everything about another. While do do share my personal life with a very tiny handful of people, it all consists mainly of what is going on at home. Difficult issues I am facing. Things like that.
Often when I "go out", it is not to spend time with friends. I spend a lot of my time doing volunteer work for Casa De Los Niños
. It's a charity organization dedicated to helping prevent child abuse. I have been involved for nearly 7 years. Only Ecamer and his family know I do this. Well, up until now anyway. I never told anyone because it is so very personal to me. And while I am the type of person who has always had the need to be accepted and loved, I never wanted it to be because of this. My work I do with them is strictly for them. Not to have others think better of me.
The "Jayne Hat" issue struck me on that level first. Because most of the proceeds from hats made by fans went to charity. These people put creativity, time, and love into every hat made and used them to try and make the world a better place. Second is the "bullying" aspect. It does not take much to draw the line between big corporations vs independents and big person vs child. Lastly, it struck me as an artist. If someone were to take that away from me, I would be absolutely devastated. It is part of the core of who I am.
I am sure there is more to "the why" of this issue making me become so absolutely livid. But this is what I have realized (with the help of my friends) so far.
I just want to let you know I have enjoyed working with you and I thank you for the opportunity of doing so. You have challenged me and I have certainly learned a lot about both the entertainment and business industry while assisting you. However, due to the fact that I have put a lot of effort and many hours into working for you and I am barely making ends meet, I feel it is time for me to rescind my services. This will go into effect on Saturday, April 13th at 11:59PM.
If you wish to continue using my services, I will be willing to do so at the current Arizona minimum wage rate of $7.80 per hour (as required by law http://www.ica.state.az.us/Labor/Forms/Labor_MinWag_MinimumWagePoster_2013_English.pdf) and fill out a W-4 form so that I am employed by you for the rest of this month. As of May 1st, my rates will go into effect and I will be going back to being in business for myself. Since we never signed a contract and everything was verbal, I will be keeping the promotional flyers I created for you on my site and in my portfolio. However, that being said, you may also keep the images and use them as you wish to further promote your business and events.
Thank you for including me in helping you build your vision. I look forward to seeing the end product because I know it will be amazing.
I hope we can continue our business relationship because I really do enjoy the work I have been doing for you.
Done and done.
I even got to give my first compliment sandwich.
I did it..
On the advice of another I made up a flat rate fee for all of the services I offer other than photography/graphic art.
Basically every thing that Skyy is having me do for less than welfare. I sent it off to Skyy generically as if I were a business. Which, I am.
Being that I have written 3 emails in the past 2 days, none of which he has responded to, I am wondering if this will even spur a response. The prior emails were rather important. They were emails on the progress of flyers. One was due by noon today. Another email was sent requesting clarification on what he wanted me to send a local newspaper in getting an ad placed.
I even sent him a text last night letting him know thinking that perhaps he had not had the chance to check his email.
He responded "Thx" and then called me to talk about wanting to start his own "All Star Burlesque" troop.
He hung up after getting my thoughts and ideas about how to go about getting the burlesque thing set up. No word was mentioned of the any of the questions I had asked nor about whether or not the progress on the flyer was a go.
So now a total of 4 emails have been sent with no response. He did manage to send an entertainer to me though for orders to get a flyer done up for next Thursday night. -_-
I have halted all progress on everything where he is concerned. I pretty much have no choice. If he can't bother to get back with me, then he must not need me in the first place.
I'm actually pretty sure I wont get paid for what I have done this month at this rate anyway...
From now on I am no longer offering my services at discount rates. I know my abilities and what I am worth. These past 3 months have been bullshit and I have learned my business lesson.
As far as Skyy is concerned I will be sending a final email letting him know that I am rescinding all of my services by 11:59 Saturday night. I will also be sending his entertainer back to him with an apology that I will not be able to do the flyer order.
Originally I was going to wait until May 1st to walk, but right now I don't see the point in giving him that much.
- Listed Under:job, work